Friday, August 10, 2012

An empty void

Warning sad and confusing post ahead..

I'm feeling sad and down for no apparent reason. I feel like there's this emptiness deep down inside of me. I'm not sure where it's coming from or what it's about.

I've got so much to be grateful for, yet there's still an emptiness there. What is it? What's missing? I don't know if it's one thing or a mixture of things.

Am I just tired? Stressed? Depressed? All of the above?

We've had so much happen recently, perhaps it's taken it's toll on me? We've recently lost a good friend to cancer, I found out my brother was back on Heroin, My Pop has had surgery after surgery to remove skin cancers and on top of that he has leukaemia. My cousins house caught on fire which left him, his girlfriend and baby stranded, My good friends baby was in Intensive care, another friends baby was rushed to hospital (thankfully both bubs are ok), I've been told my son might have aspergers and ADHD (which will be checked in November), my youngest might need grommets as he's always getting ear infections, and issues with my daughter and school friends..

We've been constantly sick. I used to get a cold twice a year which lasted a week, this year it's never ending.

This moving interstate business is doing my head in. I wish I knew for sure what was happening. I feel this is holding my family back.We had everything planned out and now it's all on hold as we don't know where we'll be.

I haven't been feeling myself for about 2 weeks now, but it has peaked today. I found out a good friend is having a girl. I am so excited and happy for them both, but I can't help but feel a little sad. I so badly want another little girl. Yes I know I have a beautiful little girl that I love dearly and nothing will ever replace, but I missed out on so much of her ''babyhood'' due to working so much, I guess a want to experience it again.

I have a fair few friends and family members that have had babies or are having babies and all had girls except for one friend and myself. Everyone I know is having girls.

Don't get me wrong I love all my children, I'm so blessed to have them all! I love my boys as much as I love my girl! But why do I still have that empty feeling? I wish it would go away.

Maybe I'm missing my little girl. She started school this year and I wasn't exactly ready for her to go (she was though :)) and also she's at Nanny's again tonight. I miss her :(

This was really hard to write. I needed to get it off my chest. I don't feel I can tell my husband as he doesn't understand. He says he does but he doesn't. Hopefully I'll feel better having got this off my chest.

Have you got any thoughts or ideas on how I can get over this?
How I can fill this void?
Have you had any empty voids? How did you ''fill'' it?


  1. Tubbah, it certainly sounds to me like you have a whole lot of reasons to be feeling down. I don't think it's for no apparent reason at all. Look at everything that has happened with people you love, not to mention what is going on inside your own family. Give yourself a break, and allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. It's understandable.
    I know that your son's diagnosis may feel overwhelming, but it must also explain a few things to you, and will hopefully help you to get some answers. Once you have a diagnosis, you can start to get the help needed. I can't talk about ADHD, but my son has Asbergers, and I promise you when I say it is not the end of the world! With therapy they do really well! But I'm not going to lie, there will be some work ahead for you.
    I totally understand your need for another baby girl, and I have that desire myself. Having two boys, I just feel a baby girl would complete our family. Of course there is no guarantee we would have a girl, but I want to go again and see what happens. Unfortunately, my hubby doesn't feel the same way. He's happy with two boys and doesn't want any more. So we're reached a bit of a stalemate. In the mean time, I'm getting older and so are my boys. But my desire for a little girl is so strong, it actually hurts. And seeing others around me having baby girls (although I'm happy for them) makes me cry. I totally get that.
    What will be, will be. Just take a deep breath (which is what I'm trying to do at the moment, and wrote my last post about) and keep going. Do you have any hobbies that you love to do, that you could spend a bit of time doing? I try every day to do at least one thing that makes my heart sing. You need to as well!
    Sending you big hugs

    1. Thankyou for your comment and advice Tracey :) I think I've prepared myself for whatever the outcome maybe with my sons diagnoses, cause like you said, he'll get the help he needs.
      It's good to know I'm not the only one yearning for a baby girl. I can relate to the desire being so strong it hurts, it hurt me when I found out my friend is having a girl. Hopefully one day we can both have little girls :)
      I haven't really had a chance to do any hobbies recently, but I'm going to make time, it's definitely something I need to do for myself.

      Thanks again, I'm about to head over to your blog and have a read :) xx

  2. Hugs Tubbah. It is very easy to find yourself in a rut like that and not understand how you got there. Be gentle on yourself, you have a lot going on and you've been faced with some difficult things that will take a toll on you emotionally and physically.
    Thank you for being brave enough to share ♥

    1. Thankyou Peta :) Yeh we have been hit with some difficult things, I hope that's the last of it and it's happy times from here on :)xx

  3. You certainly do have good and valid reasons to feel depressed, stressed, tired and empty...I hope getting that all off your chest made you feel a little better - that it somehow lightened your load. One thing to think of is that - you know how you are feeling and can put it into words. When I went through a post-natal depression episode - (the first time, ) I didn't know..It wasnt' till I cracked one day that everyone around me - went - Oh of course she'd be stressed, tired, and depressed... Now when I'm feeling that way, I can say how I feel - or write about it, and it helps..Talking or writing about your feelings is the best therapy - and this Blogosphere is very good therapy!! ......My kids are older now - boy,girl,boy....I would still love to have another girl..but my baby is nearly 9 and I'm into my 40's... ..(but it's mainly because mine is a Tween - and they are HORRIBLE creatures!!!! I'd like a nice new one!!!) I hope your happy times are on their way.....

    1. Thanks for commenting :)
      It definitely does help to write it down or to talk about it, it did lighten the load a bit. Thankfully.

      Sorry to hear about your experience with PND, it's certainly not a nice place to be.

      "(but it's mainly because mine is a Tween - and they are HORRIBLE creatures!!!! I'd like a new one!!!)" LOL!! love it!! you made me laugh, I needed that :D

      Thanks again for commenting :) xx

  4. Hey babe, don't feel like you don't have reasons to feel down. We are entitled to every now and then, and there has been so much going on in your life that it's only natural for you to feel a little overwhelmed.

    This is the first time in weeks I've been able to get online and do a bit of catching up on blogs (as it is I'm doing it on my phone!) so I'm sorry I haven't picked up on this earlier.

    Keep your chin up darling and push through. You are stronger than you think. Big hugs xx